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Guide to Being Depressed and Miserable
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seraph
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 3:44 pm    Post subject: Guide to Being Depressed and Miserable Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

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Guide to Being Depressed and Miserable

1. Isolate yourself. Pull down the shades and don't let any light in. Don't answer the phone. Take off all your clothes and just stay inside and don't talk to anyone. Lay on the floor of your closet and weep softly. Don't shave for 3 days, then stare in the mirror at your own bloated, pasty, bleary-eyed expression.

2. Fixate on negative things. Television is a good source for this. Watch TV news programs all the time. Tape the most disturbing ones and watch them again and again. Fixate on 'mistakes' you've made in the past, or painful childhood memories. Cultivate a sense of self-hatred. Start a collection of disturbing pornographic images and look at them obsessively. Wallow deeply and steep yourself in your own emotional diarrhea.


3. Cultivate a sense of meaninglessness. Take up wall-staring as a hobby. Take a bath and then spend an hour or two staring at the bathtub drain as you listen to the sound of our own breathing. Pound your head rhythmically against the cold white refrigerator door as you moan plaintively. Lay in bed in a fetal position and rock back and forth. Pass out with your head underneath the toilet bowl. Watch Pink Floyd--The Wall obsessively and listen to NIN's 'The Downward Spiral' simultaneously. Try to always think of life as a swirling, sucking eddy of absurd despair punctuated by brief moments of false hope.

4. Alienate others. Ask questions but don't listen to the answers. Become immersed in your own inner little world. Act rude and insensitively and then blame the consequences on other people or better yet, take it as evidence of your own lack of worth. Randomly cross clearly drawn personal boundaries. Lose all sense of appropriateness. Lose your temper unpredictably or weep uncontrollably in order to manipulate others. Hate yourself for doing this. Then, beat yourself up for hating yourself.


5. Sleep all the time. Get a good 20 hours of sleep a day. This way you won't have to deal with a painful life and only have to deal with the world of dreams and fantasies. Remember, your bed is your friend and will always sustain and comfort you unlike the cruel outside world.


6. Avoid all physical activity. Again, staying in bed is good for this. Try to stay on your back at all times. Lying on the floor is acceptable too. Get a good fetal position going. Whine pathetically to yourself. Watch more violent television programming. Keep the TV remote control by the bed at all times so you won't have to get up and look for it.


7. Eat poorly. In a 24 hour period eat only a half spoonful of peanut butter, some jelly, and two gulps of water. Spend the rest of the time sleeping. Eat all your meals at fast food places, ordering the unhealthiest thing on the menu. Eat hot dogs from 7-11 for all your meals. Avoid salads. Drink as little water as possible, it will only cause you to have to get out of bed to urinate.


8. Whenever possible, cultivate a sense of fear in your life. Be sure to obsessively imagine the most violent and disturbing outcome to any situation. Routinely imagine escape routes in case an armed maniac starts shooting at you. Freak yourself out! Contact all your friends and tell them you are freaking out then feel guilty and unworthy of the attention they give you. Be hard on yourself! And encourage others to be hard as well.



9. Think about death a lot. Rent 'Faces of Death' videos. Watch more violent television programming. Try to look at life as a violent and painful experience at the end of which is just a meaningless and probably excruciating death. Think about this a lot. Talk about suicide and disturbing things in order to alienate others (see #4). Check out books on violence, torture and serial murder from the library until the librarians give you strange looks. Work on your will.


10. Always pick the hardest way to do something. Set yourself up for failure. Cultivate a 'will to fail'. If it looks like you are going to actually succeed, be sure to somehow sabotage your own efforts at the last minute. Use your failure as further proof to yourself that you are a worthless loser. Repeat the words "I'm so stupid" to yourself over and over and over while grimacing and punching yourself in the head.


11. Lose all sense of personal hygiene. Don't bathe until a grey cheeselike substance forms on your skin. Shave once a week, and then onlly without using shaving cream or aftershave. Throw your deodorant away. Remember, if you make yourself physically attractive it will only attract people who will then see what a horrible person you are. Use other people's avoidance of you as evidence of your own worthlessness.


12. Concentrate on your faults. Look in the mirror closely. Focus on every bump, zit, wrinkle, or nick you have on your face. Look at how skinny you are, or how fat. If something is less than perfect be sure to focus all your attention on that and think about it constantly. Think obsessively about every stupid thing you do or have ever done. Enlist the help of others and then feel unworthy of it. Drive yourself into a nervous breakdown.


13. Quit your job, stay home and jack off. Masturbate obsessively and feel guilty for doing so. Be sure to think all manner of disturbing thoughts and then use this as proof that you are worthless and deranged. Stop taking any care of your personal surroundings. Spend plenty of time in your messy and slovenly environment. Remember always, You Are A Bad Person. Bad bad bad badBAD!



------


Hear are some testimonials from people who have used my plan for personal pain and misery.


"I have tried your 13 step program and have found much success with it.
Previous to your program, I was a smiley faced, well balanced, enlightened, self actualized individual. Now I look more like that guy in Edward Munch's "The Scream"
-=-Steve Sprunt: Shreveport, Louisiana


"Oh God, just let me die. Please. God. I just want to die. Please"
-=-Judy Stenslow: Farland, New Jersey


"THANKS! I was slipping, but with your handy guidelines I should be able to stay more miserable, longer! Your step-by-step guide has helped me lose all my friends and self esteem. Utter darkness, here I come!"
-=-Beverly Trake: Portland, Oregon


"Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"
-=-David Steinblatt, San Jose, California


(Hysterical sobbing)
-=-Warren Serbia: Tobokan, Arkansas


http://www.nationalcynical.com/words/depressed.htm

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Quote:
Politics is the entertainment division of the military industrial complex - Frank Zappa

Last edited by seraph on Sun Dec 21, 2003 4:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
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elektro80
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

And the nice norwegian painter did that amazing illustration?

You have a demon plan!

A business idea suitable for franchising??

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seraph
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

A great song about "Being Depressed and Miserable" is Katie Lee's "Will To Fail" from her Songs of Couch and Consultation LP that was reprinted inside this compilation that would be the perfect gift for a "Wacky Christmas":
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Incredibly Strange Music
Volume 1

Song List:

Buddy Merrill - Busy Bee

Bob Peck - Sweet 16

Dean Elliot - Lonesome Road

Katie Lee - Will to Fail

Harry Breuer - Minute Merengue

Rajput & The Sepoy -
Up, Up & Away

The Scramblers - Mister Hot

Rod Dave Harris - Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals

Perrey & Kingsley -
Swan's Splashdown

Jo Ann Castle - Tico Tico

Billy Mure - Hawaiian War Chant

Fred Lowrey -
William Tell Overture

Kali Bahlu -
A Cosmic Telephone Call

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seraph
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Katie Lee
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Born 23 October 1919, Tucson, Arizona

Folksinger Katie Lee created a sub-genre all her own--the Freudian folksong--and contributed two much-coveted albums to the archives of Space Age Pop. Life is Just a Bed of Neuroses, arranged and conducted by Ray Martin, and Songs of Couch and Consultation, arranged and conducted by Bob Thompson offer a selection of her original tunes on the struggles and psyches of modern folks: "The Ballad for Group Therapy," "Don'tville," "Shrinker Man," "Repressed Hostility Blues."

Lee herself appears to have struggled with a slight case of multiple personality disorder. After graduating from the University of Arizona with a BFA, she studied with two of the most successful folk singers of the 1940s, Burl Ives and Josh White. Hitting the streets a decade before Peter, Paul, and Mary, she found the market for folk singers wanting, and ended up working summer stock theater instead. Her luck with acting proved a little better, and she went on to work in radio on such shows as "The Halls of Ivy," "The Railroad Hour," and "The Great Gildersleeve." She continued to develop her singing, though, and became one of the early regulars at clubs like the Hungry i and the Gates of Horn.

She recorded one album of suggestive old folk songs for the great Ramp&B and gospel label, Specialty. Her talent for delivering these tunes with the right balance of humor and musicality led Commentary Records, a good old-fashioned liberal label based in Hollywood, signed her to record an album of songs written by Bud Freeman and Leon Pober parodying the rising popularity of psychoanalysis and psychological interpretations of modern life (the liner notes for Life is Just a Bed of Neuroses suggest that in 1960, everyone was "seeing their analyst twice a week"). The album was no great best-seller, but these tunes became her trademark, and a couple of years later, RCA signed her to release a similar album, this time featuring a variety of songwriters, including Fred Ebb and Charles Randolph Grean (later of "Quentin's Theme" from Dark Shadows fame).

The trademark must have become a stereotype. Lee moved on from folk singing to writing (a book titled, Ten Thousand Goddam Cattle and television (producing films such as "The Last Wagon" for PBS).

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Politics is the entertainment division of the military industrial complex - Frank Zappa

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

I will really recommend Peter Hammill:Over for those who think that that they are the mosty depressed people in the world. It can always get worse... hehe.. ups.. well..
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

seraph wrote:
Lee moved on from folk singing to writing

Katie Lee wrote a book titled, Ten Thousand Goddam Cattle. And her second book was, All My Rivers Are Gone. The book documents, through journal entries, Katie Lee's river trips through Glen Canyon, above the Grand Canyon, in the mid 1950s. In the early 60s the Colorado River was dammed at Glen Canyon, forming Lake Powell, the second largest man-made lake in the United States, and thus put most of the canyon underwater.

Isn't it a deeply depressing story Question Shocked

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Cyxeris



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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

The Electro-Music Christmas Party? Hm, even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it!

4:00 - wallow in self pity.
4:30 - stare into the abyss.
5:00 - solve world hunger (tell no one).
5:30 - jazzercise.
6:30 - dinner with me, I can't cancel that again!
7:00 - wrestle with my self loathing.

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I'm booked! Course if I bump the loathing to 9:00 I can still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear!

Cyx

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Cyxeris



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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

There is, of course, despair.com...

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Enjoy. Sad

Cyx

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Last edited by Cyxeris on Sun Dec 21, 2003 5:24 pm; edited 2 times in total
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elektro80
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

....decisions... decisions...
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

I adore missing minor details like USING THE IMAGE TAGS BEFORE I POST! Bloody me. I swear...


Cyx

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Shocked
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2003 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Hmmm... scary


complex drug.mp3
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 12:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

it's such a pleasure when a single post spurs a magnificent and uplifting thread like this one Exclamation Twisted Evil
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Cyxeris



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 2:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Relish in the savage misery, my Italian comrade! The pain is, oh, so delicious.

Cyx

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Isn´t it great to know that we are making the universe a better place? ... and at the same time keeping that whole idea abut messy neutrons and splatty dark matter alive and thriving!? Onward soldiers!
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 3:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

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Cyx

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 3:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

This guy here, some years ago... "lost" all his files. Suddenly the lot was gone. I aksed him about which files and where and such.. and he told he had done exactly what he was supposed to.. saving the lot in Word..


.Saving the lot in Word?

Sure... He had saved everything in the application folder of Microsoft Word. For some reason the path in the open/save dialog had decided to go somewhere else.. and all his files had of course "gone"..

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 3:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

It astonishes me to this day how people will become hopelessly dependant on computers, of the own volition, and yet refuse, REFUSE, to learn how to use them, and by use them, I dont mean firing up Solitare. Why wont people expand, progress, and evolve?

Cyx

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 3:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Well... hopefully the population of Iraq is on a mind expanding journey. Dunno if George Bush or Timothey Leary should do the standin routine for Mr. Scrooge though.. hmm... or was it the standup routine? Both?

I hear the US senate will star the new Muppett Show remake using "live" actors. They haven´t yet decided on Miss Piggy... too many candidates so far..

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 3:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Well, as far as Iraq goes, we had better start airdropping copious quantities of cannabis on that place and fast.

Of course, then we'd have a problem with American defectors heading east. Oh well, it all comes back to the 3 laws of the universe:

1. You cannot win

2. You cannot break even

3. You cannot get out of the game.

Cyx

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Right... so.. the US will have men in black selling guns and shit to european terrorists ( in an appempt to stabilize europe (????)) ... and spend the money on drugs... which Tony Blair will see being spent ( rather) on Jamaica.. and they will have badly trained arab pilots dropping the lot on Iraq? A demon plan.. now.. didn´t they almost do the same with Cuba in the early 60s?

Hmm.. what the world needs now is evidently Iraqi rastafarians preaching the language of "luuuuve baby".. and there must be a market for that new Iraqi dub music..

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

elektro80 wrote:
They haven´t yet decided on Miss Piggy... too many candidates so far..

Monica......where are you Question

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 8:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 10:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Shocked

THX! Very appropriate!

Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2003 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Something for the walls?

Sad Days - Exhibition of Paintings
by Asbjorn Lonvig, artist

www.lonvig.dk/exhibition3.htm


"calming down I"

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"sad days indeed"

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"the pain on Christmas Eve"

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Cyx

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