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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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 Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 9:42 am Post subject:
Sorry to bother you, but I'll tell you why... |
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You want to know why I hate my life so very much?
I hate my life because when I am not required to be at some job wasting my life away doing things I don’t want to do while daydreaming the entire time about working on music, I am at home working on it until I HAVE to go to sleep in order to do it all again the next day, and then I HAVE to go to sleep, I lay there unable to stop my mind from thinking about things, usually the music I am working on at the time, but a host of other things as well, and after laying there rolling around for four hours I start begging to a God I am no longer convinced is listening to me to please just give me 3 hours of sleep. Just 3 hours because I have 11 hours at a pointless job ahead of me and I don’t want to be miserable and tired again, like the day before and the day before that. Just 2 hours, 2 hours left til I have to wake up. Just give me 90 minutes God. Shut my mind up and let me get some sleep so that I can go and execute this fucking waste of time I am REQUIRED to engage in. Look, one hour til the alarm clock goes off. Please God give me some sleep. Let me fucking sleep please. And there goes the alarm clock. Thanks for the sleep God! This’ll be a great day! All that no sleep I just got, again! Here we go, again! And I drink my daily pot of coffee, drugging myself so that I can be conscious while being absolutely miserable and tired and half-hallucinating due to fatigue, only to set fire to half a day producing absolutely nothing, bearing through by sheer will alone so that I can get home and feed this insatiable creative hunger and then when the 6-hour-til-alarm mark passes, I get up and go lay down to go to sleep and I lay there and try to stop the thinking and cannot and I lay there and beg once more for sleep after a fruitless 3 hours of trying to shut my mind up, and they’ve determined there was water on Mars and imagining what that might mean, and this is going to be an incredible election and I have got to pay back my debts and how am I going to get my CD printed and I cant wait to start recording the next CD and my car is going to break down at any time and I have no money and I cannot fall asleep. Please, just 3 hours, 2 hours God, if you are listening, just let me get one hour of sleep…
And I lay there in bed and the moment my mind seems to be quieting, guess what happens! Can you guess? I start itching! Little itches all over my body for absolutely no reason at all other than the fact that finally my mind is shutting up and letting me rest. I start itching and it wakes me before I can even fall asleep and I scratch and roll and toss and my mind starts going again and before you know it the alarm clock is going off and people wonder why I am so temperamental and withdrawn socially and completely preoccupied with nothing except spending all of my time bringing the fruits of my mind into this world, and even I do not know how I function this way.
So today I will go to work, yet again, with absolutely no sleep, as I do about 3 times a week, and I will drink an entire pot of coffee, and not eat, and grit my teeth and get through today by sheer will alone, because this is my life and this is why I resent it so very much so often, even though I wouldn’t give it up for anything. How do I explain this to people without them getting all concerned and worried or thinking I may be going insane? I’m just particularly angry about it tonite, well, today as, again, I could not sleep and have to go to work in 90 minutes, and I am bleeding in 2 places from scratching. That’s what I get for successfully kicking the nail-biting habit.
Thank you for your time and attention, and don’t worry about me. I just needed to vent it as this one was particularly bad. I’m going to go play Tetris until I have to get ready for work. If I work on music, I’ll be that much angrier about having to go to work. Have a great day.
J
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
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mosc
Site Admin
Joined: Jan 31, 2003
Posts: 18259
Location: Durham, NC
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| Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 10:23 am Post subject:
Re: Sorry to bother you, but I'll tell you why... |
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| Cyxeris wrote: | | don’t worry about me. |
I don't think I can do that, Cyx. I want everyone in my life to love their life. |
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paul e.
Joined: Sep 22, 2003
Posts: 1567
Location: toronto, canada
Audio files: 2
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| Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 10:30 am Post subject:
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i would humbly suggest you reduce your caffeine intake... you would be surprised how that much caffeine can affect your thought-proceses, and our ability to cope with stressors, as well as stressing the pulmonary system and the autonomic nervous system
that is, if it is used excessively, which you may be doing....
thse are issues we all face to lesser or even greater extents, and learning to cope with them is neccessary...
it's a mind/body thing somehow
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 11:03 am Post subject:
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It's not the caffeine. It's the business of my mind, and it's a longstanding issue. Sometimes it's just more problematic than others. That's what you get when you arent doing what you're supposed to.
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
-Napoleon Dynamite |
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vijayan
Joined: Jun 01, 2003
Posts: 37
Location: Philadelphia.PA
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| Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 12:38 pm Post subject:
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Well, that happens to me sometimes... I do stuff I'm not interested in anymore just to earn money. It sucks that you have to spend 11 hours a day working at your job. I work in a lab, so I slip out whenever I don't feel like working and watch european movies at our library or go home and play with music software. You could try using some of the time at work doing your creative stuff too. I carry a tiny cassette recorder to work and record all kinds of wierd sounds (beakers breaking 'accidentally', lab gossip, air conditioner hum and all that jazz) You could also write stuff... poems, abstract verses, screenplay whatever  You may want to decide though, how commited you want to be to your work. I get along fine doing stuff at the last minute.
Hey man, whatever you do, sleeping for 3 hours a day don't sound a good idea. I know the feeling..when you're so engrossed in your creation, you can't stop thinking about it...even when you're trying to sleep. But I'd save myself for a slightly longer haul than burn out soon.
Just thought I'd share my 2 cents worth Best of luck with the understanding your mind thing.
Have fun, ok ?
Peace,
Swamy |
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themoors
Joined: Dec 15, 2003
Posts: 148
Location: northern england
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| Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 1:53 pm Post subject:
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I dont know how it works over there....
But I hated work to so, I quit, i now recive the equivielent of around $320 in benefits a fortnight and get my rent paid, I also sign up for just about every artists grant i am eligable for...
this means i have all the time in the world to create....
on the negative side, I no longer have the frustration and anger you have, which is great inspiration when you get the time....
I wouldnt have thought the Bush empire would have much time for artists and so on, but it might be worth looking into, you could even fake a debilitating illness, the world needs your contrubtion as an artist, so if means moving to a liberal eurpopean country do it, we can support at least one more assylum seeker....
My thoughts are with you...
rik |
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 2:10 pm Post subject:
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Yeah, it's just me and my self-destructive-grade intensity about things. Passion, perfectionism, and determination make for an abusive combination when one has too many irons in the fire, and I've made the poor decision of allowing myself way too many irons. But that's me for ya, and I am used to me. I've never been know to apply my ambitions to my life with any degree of subtelty. Sometimes one just needs a good linguistic dischharge, thus the above post. I'm at work now, grinding through it. Perhaps I'll go play that smack-the-penguine game.
By the way, pleased to meet you, and welcome!
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 2:35 pm Post subject:
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| themoors wrote: | | on the negative side, I no longer have the frustration and anger you have, which is great inspiration when you get the time.... |
Yes, exactly. It is incredible creative fuel, but it is volatile fuel, and sometimes I lose control of the combustion. Cooking with gas? I cook with magnesium and phosphorus. Sure it will probably shave 20 years off my life, but the gratification I get from my output is, to me, well worth it.
| themoors wrote: | | I wouldnt have thought the Bush empire would have much time for artists and so on, but it might be worth looking into, you could even fake a debilitating illness, the world needs your contrubtion as an artist, so if means moving to a liberal eurpopean country do it, we can support at least one more assylum seeker.... |
I cannot accept handouts. I've done well in getting myself this far without any help from anyone, and dont intend to blow that distinction. Money really isnt the issue, time is. Time and energy. I'm wasting alot of time and energy efforting jamming a square peg in a round hole. That combined with the monomaniacal process of finish this album have taken their toll. Luckily I have a girlfriend who tollerates it and a body that hasnt failed me, and now that I am in the last month, the very final stages of the end of the process, life is throwing it all at me at once, and most of it is my own doing. Amazing how readily we self-sabotage, isnt it?
Like I said, this was just a discharge. No reason whatsoever to feel sorry for me (trust me, there isnt). A simple "man, that sucks!" is all this warrants, if anything at all. I can be dramatic from time to time.
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
-Napoleon Dynamite |
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vijayan
Joined: Jun 01, 2003
Posts: 37
Location: Philadelphia.PA
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 9:51 am Post subject:
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I think I might've taken the lead in the smack the penguin game. I scored 1058 meters after an hour and a half of intense smacking. Couldn't figure out how to save the page though  Gee, thats such a cool game !
Swamy |
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mosc
Site Admin
Joined: Jan 31, 2003
Posts: 18259
Location: Durham, NC
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 11:17 am Post subject:
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| vijayan wrote: | | I scored 1058 meters after an hour and a half of intense smacking. |
Way to go, Swamy! Congratulations. |
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 2:48 pm Post subject:
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Hm, I have never exceeded 750. I's all in how the mines are placed.
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
-Napoleon Dynamite |
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mosc
Site Admin
Joined: Jan 31, 2003
Posts: 18259
Location: Durham, NC
Audio files: 228
G2 patch files: 60
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 3:10 pm Post subject:
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| vijayan wrote: | | Couldn't figure out how to save the page though |
If you are in Windows:
1) Select the browser's window
2) Hit ALT-SCREEN
3) Open your image editing program, like Paint
4) insert the Clipboard contents using CNTRL-V
5) crop out the stuff you don't want and add any annotations
6) save the file as a jpg.
7) upload to the web. If you don't have your own web site, use the attachment feature on the forums's posting page.
or, you can use a really nice program called Snagit (not free) http://techsmith.com/products/snagit/default.asp
I'm highly suspicious that your really got such a high score. Please post the evidence.
Of course, you must replay the game for another 1.5 hours to repeat that score and enable a screen scrape.  |
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 5:18 pm Post subject:
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It's amazing to me the temporal neurosis that working hard while running on waaaay too little sleep (at no fault of your own) seems to induce.
Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy...
Cyxeris taking a break from his present routine
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
-Napoleon Dynamite
Last edited by Cyxeris on Thu Mar 04, 2004 10:25 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 5:20 pm Post subject:
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| mosc wrote: | | I'm highly suspicious that your really got such a high score. Please post the evidence. |
I've seen a score exceed 1000, and it's purely luck-o-da-draw.
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 5:33 pm Post subject:
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Incidentally, at my workplace, we have a Top Scorers sheet up for the Penguin Bounce game. The top score thus far is 1056. l
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
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vijayan
Joined: Jun 01, 2003
Posts: 37
Location: Philadelphia.PA
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 9:10 pm Post subject:
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Thanks for the frame capture tips Mosc ! I'll try that out. I'm quiet sure I'll be whacking more penguins over this weekend It makes me wonder though, what if there was sounds added to the game...like a poor penguin screaming in misery... woah ! I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to play it for 1.5 hours
Sometimes I wonder why I feel bad about eating meat, and chicken and lamb, but I don't have that much feeling toward fish and shrimp. And I realized, thats is because fish and shrimp do not make sounds ! Coming from India, I have heard chicken and goats and cows cackle/bray/moo (hope that is right : ) at every street corner, but I've never in my life heard a fish or a shrimp make any noise ! I guess that is why most people do not pity sea creatures. You always gotta voice your opinion !
Oh, for the record, I am not a vegetarian ( though I've been trying very sincerely to eat leafy substances cus the girl I like is vegan  )  
Sigh... I ate salad for lunch today 
Swamy |
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 10:14 pm Post subject:
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Perhaps you should develop some personal criteria for determining what fauna you should or shouldnt feel bad about eating. I find it interesting that it is difficult to think of any creature that would eat you that is a common dish. There are some, like shark and gator and such, and these are rarities compared to pork, fish, beef, goat, chicken, etc.
I wish they would develop some (non-soy) complex organic compound or something that can be made to mimic the meats I am used to. If I knew I were eating some complex organic chemical that was batch-synthesized in a lab somewhere in a class 100 clean room and were shipped in sleek matte-black packaging with nothing on it anywhere except for the chemical compound and a diagram of its molecular makup printed in glossy black in the Univox font, I would cry. I would cry tears of joy.
The packaging of the Sony Playstation 2 here in the states (the black box with the electric blue print) shouldnt be what they package game systems in. No, that is what they should ship synthetic coffee in, or cereal.
Cereal boxes in The Most Serene Republic of Cyxeris
http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/target=display_nation/nation=cyxeris[/img]
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"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
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Michael Chocholak
Joined: Nov 27, 2003
Posts: 305
Location: Cove, Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 10:24 am Post subject:
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| Quote: | | I hate my life because... |
Whooh! I hear that! You could be describing me. Well...
1) You better come up with a better plan. I kept it going for a few decades, but then it came back and bit me bigtime. Used to have the blood pressure of a tree sloth even though I was burning the proverbial candle at both ends.. and in the middle - with a blowtorch. Then it suddenly flew off the charts and now I take meds - which I hate - so I don't spontaneously go Cronenberg. So now I try to be a bad boi on weekends only. Don't ask me how well it's working. (Still writing LOTS of music though)
Hey, and let me slip in a piece of great news here. Even if you've got a retirement plan at work, you'll probably be doing this routine until you're in your 70's! Unless your music hits or you win the lottery. It's the medical insurance that does it to you. This is America, richest country in the world, not Australia, or Canada, or Europe. You quit here and 8 months later you're living under a bridge tressle.
2) On the lighter side (don't ask me which side that is - maybe the one not facing the torch) I just re-read the Strugaksky brothers novel, Definitely Maybe. Put it into a different perspective. It's the 'homeostatic universe' trying to protect the status quo it enjoys that constantly throws good & bad shit in your direction so you just can't ever get the time or clarity to get your shit done. Cuz your stuff might be the next amazing thing that throws everything else out of balance.
I also practice chi-gong. Drains the energy out of my head. Keep fighting the good fight. But seriously, figure out some plan that works for you, before your tail starts eating you.
(Now me, I was up until 2am writing music...    )
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Que la musique sonne - Edgard Varese
I was seriously tempted to give up everything and go be a farmer or something... - Jack Endino, Seattle record producer |
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 1:37 pm Post subject:
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Yes. Blood pressure has been a problem in the past, and I have made acceptible corrections to my lifestyle to compensate. I cant even remember the last time I had any form of soda, my meat intake is probably close to 10% of what it was 4 years ago. I dont buy into diets and routines and fads postulated by others in that regard, as they always seem to be the front end of someone trying to sell something (with the exception of Kosher diets).
I'm a toughy, and strong willed, which is the actual problem here. The lack of sleep is the catalyst, but the actual problem is that my agressive determination and ambition is a hair too much for my physiology, making me much more sensative to factors like a lack of sleep and depression (which I have spent years overcoming). This has been an issue all of my life, but before this CD, there was never a focus that drew me into the state I am in, and I am really not as bad off as I may sound. As I said, I can be dramatic.
The thing I am dealing with right now it that I percieve the end to be so bloody near that I am allowing myself to push through with more determination than usual, and letting myself abuse the practices that, after adopting, have yielded a stable and comfortable life. You know, you've been marching for hours on end and you're about to give out and you've developed blisters and you really really need to rest, but your goal is in sight, and only another 1500 meters! You're practically there! So instead of resting and giving yourself what you need, you take off running in a mad dash.
That is me now. Think of it in that light, as I do. I'm not the guy who is being gunned down at the checkpoint, I'm the guy who's bloodied hands are lifting himself up and over the Berlin wall to freedom. See, told you I can be dramatic.
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
-Napoleon Dynamite |
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seraph
Editor
Joined: Jun 21, 2003
Posts: 12398
Location: Firenze, Italy
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:11 pm Post subject:
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| Cyxeris wrote: | | See, told you I can be dramatic. |
I guess you are too much into www.despair.com mode
Sex is usually a good antidote to sleeplessness. you could try increasing your daily sex intake Couldn't you 
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| Quote: | | Don't die with your music still in you - Wayne Dyer |
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:26 pm Post subject:
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It's unfortunate that you mention that, as my libido is in a post-disintegrated state right now. Stress and anxiety induced I presume, or perhaps just part of being 26. Laugh if you will.
Actually, I am not in a state of despair. It's not despair. actually more like a self-abusive degree of agressive optomism, if that makes any flavour of sense.
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
-Napoleon Dynamite |
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play
Joined: Feb 08, 2004
Posts: 489
Location: behind the mustard
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:38 pm Post subject:
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"benevolent psychopathology"
to intensify/purge i would suggest the following viewing/reading:
Transmetropolitan by Warren Ellis
Crash by David Cronenberg
A Scanner Darkly by Philip K. Dick
there's lots more. |
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seraph
Editor
Joined: Jun 21, 2003
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Location: Firenze, Italy
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:42 pm Post subject:
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| Cyxeris wrote: | | It's not despair. actually more like a self-abusive degree of agressive optomism, if that makes any flavour of sense. |
do you mean something like that
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| Quote: | | Don't die with your music still in you - Wayne Dyer |
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Cyxeris
Joined: Oct 30, 2003
Posts: 1125
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 3:09 pm Post subject:
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More like this...
"I've almost won! I'm almost there!"
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∆ Cyx ∆
"Yeah right, who's the only one here who knows secret illegal ninja moves from the government?"
-Napoleon Dynamite |
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seraph
Editor
Joined: Jun 21, 2003
Posts: 12398
Location: Firenze, Italy
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 3:38 pm Post subject:
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| Livia Soprano wrote: | | "I gave my life to my children on a silver platter." |
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| Quote: | | Don't die with your music still in you - Wayne Dyer |
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