Mapping chaos to sound..

[Alexander]

An entry meant for my diary.. I tried to translate it in a clear way, because I think and hope a lot of composing musicians and artist feel these things at a certain point in their artistic lives. Life really hit me and my art hard these past few weeks and although it may sound a bit down and blue, it really is a great thing to have these rants and learn and grow from them. That being the reason I deicided to post this in the composition forum instead of my journal. Maybe anybody else would like to think and rant about the speed our little world is spinning at..

"Vent.

...recently I've been knocked out by surgery, this gave me 5 weeks to think about what I'm doing in music and why sometimes it seems nothing goes anywhere. I'm impulsive and this lead to many many great experiments out of which, sometimes, results could be beautiful to me.
As I get older a lot of things simply don't interest me anymore, add a lot of time of studying "music tech" and slowly music is becoming a large textbook I try to finish, but there's no end to it...

I used to be so easy to twist knobs, connect A to Z through 13, 6 and P, have a blast, make noise and enjoy the simple pleasure creating something can give you.
Now I spend 90% of the time thinking, 5% studying, 4% calculating and no time sleeping and/or creating things.

The simple pleasure today comes from finding a wiki on someone who did the exact same thing somewhere, somehow, with all the results you ever dreamed of..
Getting inspired, googling the subject, getting the recommended reading, getting through them, researching previously done experiments, enjoying results, forgetting about obtaining your own and getting tired, moving on to a next interesting thing to focus on..
Reading hundreds of book and being constantly in awe of someone else's beautiful accidents, someone's pretty simple, childish creations.
I need to find a muse, I need to feel a sense of being out there, I need to rid of all this wasted time and map my blues.

given:
I miss beauty in my music, as a childish, unexpected accident.

problem:
I reach a point where my mind is in a strange loop of information and ideas. The two never seem to connect, leaving me in a pile of books, with plenty of tricks up my sleeve, but nothing to play with.

solution:
I should focus and sleep. A strict program of sleep and exercise should get me more productive and efficient.
I should do a few things, rather then not do a lot of things, but think and wonder about them.

Stop searching, start exploring.
Stop wasting, start using.
Stop reading, start understanding."